Restore that lost relationship with your teenage son/ daughter

Teenage years are really changing my son. I must admit that since he joined high school, he seems to be a completely different person. Apart from the physical changes, of course, there has been a significant change in his behaviors which has been begging for my intervention. He seems more reserved, isolated and feels more comfortable with his friends rather than his family. He’s probably getting the kind of company and attention he would like from them than at home.

Many a times I see him with his earpodes listening to I don’t know what! Music probably, as he claims. So I wonder; how is it possible to listen to music almost the whole day?

I’ve had some not so pleasant conversations with him regarding use of a phone. I had provided a phone for him but later on had to take it back because the moment he went to his room with the phone, you could call him till forever without hearing a response. He would wear the earpodes and stay for hours engaging with his phone with his room door closed. He used to love dancing in his younger days. He seems to have lost the energy to dance and he’s never interested to work out in any way. He’s grown to be very lean and generally weak. He seems ok with taking drugs frequently since he’s taking less care of his body as days go by.

What I did and still do as a parent….

I decided to take a simple step. Every once a week (preferably weekends) I’d invite him for a walk around our neighborhood. This could also involve going to a quiet place and taking a cup of coffee for us to just talk. As we walked I asked some very relevant questions that at first, my son was reluctant to answer (of course fearing a reaction from me) but later on our conversation would flow automatically as we frequented the walks on a weekly basis. A parent, as with business, it is very important to seek feedback from you clients on the services you provide. That is why, parents should provide a very open and favourable condition where their children can speak without any judgement or reprisal from us. During this walk, my duty was only to listen and take notes; no phones, no interruptions at all. I realized that my son had lots to talk about with time and that he could sense that I value his opinion and his input. He would speak on particular events that he thought I had been unfair in my decisions and surprisingly, he actually admitted that in some instances, he was very irresponsible and was acting out after feeling unfairly treated. 

Remember, as a parent, you have to do most of the listening! Take down some notes so that you could address specific issues that you think he was really emphasizing. Issues that are close to his heart and that would make him change his perception of you once addressed. 

At the end of his lamentations (that’s majorly what they’ll be doing) take time and respond very calmly explaining why you took some decisions so that he also understands that his actions have consequences. Most importantly, where you feel you were harsh, or did not consider all factors, or just overreacted because of anger, apologies. This is not a weaknesses but a strength that not so many people posses and the wisdom of looking at a long term healthy relationship rather than some short term ego that will damage your relationship with your child.

Finally, enquire from your son how you could become a better father to him and his siblings in general. Be coutious at this point because also taking in everything they say might make you become more of a friend than a father. It is important to always remember that there can be an acceptable level of friendship but also you remain the parent and when parenting interventions come.calling, you should take your place without hesitation. Take this opportunity to engage in a give and take arrangement whereby if they request for something, they must also be able to give up something return for the same. If they want more time with friends, they most also help out more with house chores. If they want to have a phone, they must be able to use it openly in common areas in the house and not having it when the family is together sharing a meal or engaging in a common activity. This will ensure you child understands that with any privilege there is a level of responsibility attached to it and everything should be done in moderation to maintain some sort of balance in life.

This is an exercise I’m engaging in until today and I must admit that it is bearing fruit and it is having some vital lessons not only to my son, but also to me. It can be a humbling exercise but I promise, it leads to a better relationship between parents and their children. 

I have shared very important tips on navigating Social media with teenagers in my eBook. Follow this link to get it:

Try it, and let me know. Thanks.